The time i followed the demons

 

Recently, i have realised something that i am a hypocrite . I always tend to do the opposite of what i say. Like if i am saying that being a well settled person in your life is the biggest goal you should have , you can buy what you want , wear whatever you love , travel to all the places you want to , thats what should be your top priority but at the same point i am lying on my bed scrolling Pinterest and listening to songs well thats not what you call a “well settled life”. 

Its not like i don't want to but its like i don't want to . Ya this is the state of mind i am in right now. My mind says to me that if i can rest all day lie in my bed scroll anything i want why not do it? And i listen to that ya thats how i am , you can call me a procrastinator , sloth , lazy or a masochist who doesn't care about her future at all and loves self destruction. Right now i’m in a state where i am stabbing myself. I don't need a villian in my story i play that role perfectly fine . 

I was not always like this though , this feeling of not doing anything has surrounded me quite recently . I used to be a very bright student . I actually did put a lot of effort in maintaining my bright student character, i don't know why or how but i got bored of it , you can say the act , it drained me completely i couldn't do it anymore and thats when i got this realisation that its time to do something else its time to let your inner demons that you have kept locked up for most of your life its time to open the gates and let them rule, let them decide what do i need to do next. To be honest i was done being that cute little innocent girl, the so called teachers pet. 

I still don't know that was the decision correct or not . But let me tell you what all changed in me when i let my demons command me . I became from a topper to an average student , the teachers started doubting me , my parents got a little upset but i started to trust my gut more , i became more open minded that theres a world there except books , i did make some friends and the most beautiful thing that happened to me i started reading i got to know that there are more people like me there struggling to find the right path that I'm not alone. 

So ya im trying to get back to my topper zone era but i am not losing all these things i learnt . Well no-ones perfect theres always pros and cons about everything but if you ask me was the decision right well im still figuring it out but if you ask me do i regret it? Absolutely not ! 

I am not dazai or fyodor or oscar wilde , im a 18 year old teenager who is still figuring out the best way to live , im still figuring out what all i am capable of. I may make some wrong decisions i may choose some roads that lead me to darkness but i promise i’ll never give up . I will always come out of the dark path holding a torch in my hand.

So to the future me, i hope whatever path i took it is worth the sufferings and i make memories which are worth it. 

Signing off 

ihsuya🦊~